Took A While.

It's been a while, huh? Well, I don't remember what the last thing I wrote was so I'll just blab on about everything. Well, job, it's been good, I guess. The guy I liked quit because he is now going to school so that sucks. I got a new tattoo, angel wings on my back, and this wee I'm getting about 4-6 more. I also decided that I want to get my whole arm done, but that is a decision I need to think about for a bit longer because once I do it, I can't go back. Also, my old best friend from high school wants to get together so that's nice.

Work Romance.

Is relationships at work acceptable? I mean, work is a great place to meet new people, get to know people and see if you're connected with someone, but is it really a good idea? I've seen so many times where couples who work together ad break up, usually end up fighting. Not exactly ideal for a work place. Now, most employees would be smart and leave all of that at home and outside work, but often it comes back in. See, I'm only speaking of this because I recently got employed and there is someone at work I may like just a bit. We'll call him Mike. Now, Mike is really nice and funny and we have a lot in common. But where is the limit? Am I supposed to be okay with liking a co worker, or should I push feelings aside and focus on work? What do you think?

Working Sucks.

I finally got myself a job, and yes, I am quite proud of myself. I aced the interview (the guy told me he liked me and we even bonded over White Spot and acting) and he said he'd called me soon if I got it. Well, two hours later, he called me. I got the job. I'm not gonna lie, I was nervous to start, but I was happy that I was finally going to be able to make my own money and save up to move out or move to England. But then, when I went in for training, I got sat down in the dining hall and had to watch over 20 videos, and I'm not even done yet! I had no problem with that, but then it got scary. There was so much things I have to remember. I have to remember how to make 20 different kind of coffee's and 30 different kinds of sandwiches and 10 different kinds of soups. I was just thankful for cafeteria! Because of that, it helped me understand a lot of the stuff - not including the food stuff - so I didn't need to worry about remembering that. But that's not the worst part. My sister works there. On her first day, she got shown around, introduced to staff and learned how to punch in. Then, her friend started today and learned all that as well. But, yesterday, when it was my first time there, I didn't. I didn't learn any of that and that kind of pisses me off. They didn't show me any of that and they are supposed to so now I have to go in tomorrow and tell them they need to show me. Me and my sister like to joke that the reason they're not showing me is because they're going to fire me because apparently some places don't like you working with your sibling. A part of me hopes that's right because I hate working there. But another part hopes that's not true because I need a job. I really do. It's just not fair that I'm not being taught anything while all the other new employee's are.

It's been a while.

It's been a while and I apologize. I just haven't been feeling like the writing mood. I even haven't updated any stories I've written in over a month! But, here I am. Let's see, what can I write about today? Oh, well I have something. Break ups. Are they really that bad? My sister broke up with her boyfriend and for two weeks all she did was cry. She stopped eating and talking to people and coming out of her room. She just cried and cried. Why are break up's that bad? Why can't people just realize that maybe they don't love you anymore and move on? Just accept it. If they don't love you than they're not worth your time. Also, my sister does tend to stalk him a bit, which I think is a bit pathetic. She stopped most of it now, but back then it was weird. So, tell me, how bad are you when it comes to break ups?

Break Ups

Are relationships really that hard? I mean, right now I'm listening to my sister cry her eyes out because her boyfriend broke up with her and she doesn't know why. She's a mess right now. She won't stop crying and she hasn't eaten in a few days and she's locked herself in her room. I don't want to be mean, but she's being a little needy about this whole thing. She's trying to message him and trying to contact him and she shouldn't do that. But I guess that's what happens when you're in love, right? You feel like the whole world is nothing but a big ball of disappointment and nothing seems to go right. I feel like that all the time - just without the broken heart.

I'm not lazy.

It really frustrates me when my mum tells me that I'm so lazy. I'm not. Just because I don't do every single thing you ask me to do doesn't mean that I'm lazy. I do a lot, but there are days when I just don't feel like doing anything. People have those days and it doesn't mean that they're lazy. It is annoying when I get called that because I could easily stop doing everything for her and she would see how much I really do for her. She just thinks that if I don't do every thing she asks, then I don't do enough and it makes me feel bad because she gets mad at me.

Van Con Karaoke Night

The other day, my cousin took my to a convention. It was a karaoke night that featured some of the cast of Supernatural. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed seeing those actors come out and have fun with the rest of us. There was singing (of course) and laughing and we were playing with a volleyball and we all had a blast. I got great pictures of the actors and I even tripped over someone's backpack to get a picture -.- But it was fun and it ended at 12:30AM so when I got home I was tired. But it was fun. It also was my first karaoke night I've ever been to so it was such an honour getting to experience that with actors from one of my favourite TV shows.

I think I met my future husband yesterday.

Alright, so maybe not, but a girl can dream, right? Anyways, yesterday I got to spend the whole day with the beautiful Misha Collins. If you don't know who that is, do you live under a rock or something? He plays Castiel on Supernatural. And I, along with 299 other people, got to spend a whole day with him trying to break a world record. We got there and he showed up, giving us instructions and making us laugh. Our goal was to get into teams of 20 and make a safety pin chain and which ever team made the long, and used the most safety pins won a special prize. We had to do this all in 29 minute and 18 seconds. We also had to polka dance when we heard music playing...and a few people got to even polka dance with Misha. While we all got to work, he came around to chat with the groups. When he came to my group - I really don't want to sound all 'oh, it was so hot' or perverted - but his crotch was like 5 inches away from my head. Again, I'm not perverted, but this was him we're talking about. Then we got to measure our chains and my team won. We have over 3000 while all the other teams had like 2500. So we got the special prize...with was picking up the safety pins! Woo hoo! You're just lucky you are who you are or I'd never do it! After that, the winning team got to have a picture with him. By that time, it was raining and I was soaking wet. After the picture, me and my friend went up to him and got a picture each before they shooed everyone away so we were lucky. And that was pretty much my day. I can honestly say, that he was one of the nicest, most funniest, most carefree person I have ever met. I would love to meet him again one day, and maybe if I finish school and do become an actress then we might work together. I'd enjoy that. I have to admit, though. The only reason I was able to do this was because my friend from Germany said that they were doing it and it was only for GISHWHES (largest scavenger hunt in the entire world) people and since I didn't sign up for it, I had no idea about it. But since she didn't live in Vancouver, she wasn't able to attend and told me about it. So I have to give thanks to her. I owe her everything because he is one of my idols. He's perfect and it's because of her I got to meet him.

I got ACCEPTED!

I applied. I worked hard to hand in everything I needed, and I finally got accepted into Vancouver Film School. I'm super excited and happy and I can't wait to start acting. I even got a $3,500 scholarship! There is just one small problem. I have to pay $300 before I can fully get into the class because it's my seat fee and part of my tuition. And I don't have $300. My uncle said he is going to try to help out and, surprisingly, I think he can do it. So, hopefully he can and then in January, I'll be going.

Childhood Toys.

There is this teddy bear I had, named Mr. Bear, and recently I had to get rid of it because it was kind of disgusting. It sat beside my bed for years and I finally decided that it was time to get rid of it. I was more heartbroken then I thought I would be. It was just a teddy bear. Just a toy. Yet, it hurt so much seeing it being thrown away like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. It was part of my childhood and I can never get it back. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has felt like that when having to throw away a childhood toy, right?

People and Opinions.

It's very hard openly stating an opinion without being afraid that some asshole is going to say something to put it down. Which sort of just happened to me. I stated an opinion - a thought, even - and right away two people commented saying that my opinion is wrong. I was going to ignore them because I knew that was stupid, but I decided to stand up for myself. I commented, saying that it was my only my opinion. They could have theirs but I have mine. And then one of them said that if I don't agree with their opinion then I can get "get out" - an actual quote. It started a whole argument and it started stressing me out and upset me. I get people have their own opinions but why do you have to be rude about it? If you don't like it, then say it's not for you, and leave it at that. Don't go into detail as to why my opinion is stupid and yours is perfect.

Some New Information.

So, my mum just came to me and told me that my dad has a chance to get a new job and to make $55 an hour, which would be $10,000 a month, which is a lot. The only problem is that we'd have to move somewhere up north. So that means I leave all my friends behind and I might not get to go to the school that I want to go to. So I don't know what to do and it's scaring me because I don't want to leave my friends and my maybe new school, but this could be a better life for my family and I'm upset. I wish I could get both, stay here and take the money and still have my friend and my potential new school. Sigh.

Summer.

Summer has been really boring. Extremely hot, though. I'm sitting here right now and my clothes are sticking to me from all the heat earlier today. It's starting to cool down, which is really nice, but it's still kind of hot. Nothing special has happened since my last post, but that's okay because I can just write one sentence and it would be good enough. There is one thing I do want to mention. And it's very important, so remember this. Internet friends are real friends. I've met lots of people online that I consider friends Just because we can't talk face to face does not mean we don't get along. Doesn't mean we don't have deep conversations. So please, if someone says that they have internet friends, don't say they don't count as friends. Because they do. They really do.

School Application.

So, turns out if I want to fill in the online application to the school I want to attend, I have to pay $50. And I have no money. None at all. Well, okay. I have $10. That's it. But I emailed someone and they said I could print out the application with my answers and then drop it off so I'm going to do that. I'm going to my friends house tomorrow so she can help me write my application to make it good so I can get accepted. But you wanna know what sucks? My mum tells everyone in my family that my sister is going to college and she's so proud of her and she hasn't told anyone yet that I'm planning on going too. My mum said that it's because she doesn't think I can do what I want to do; I want to act. Why is that so hard to understand? The world needs actors, and I can do it if I'm willing to work hard. And I will work hard. And them not believing in me makes me want to work harder (sometimes it makes me want to give up but I won'y).

Congrats.

My sister finally graduated today. It's taken longer than usual because she dropped out for a year. That's when everyone thought she wasn't ever going to graduate, but she finally did. And I'm very proud of her. She looked very grown up sitting there with all the rest of the graduating class. There was also a cool native man who did some cool hoop dance. It was probably the most entertaining part about it all.

Uh....what?

Guys have such a weird sense of humour. How is pretending to break up with someone because they're bored a joke? Also, I don't know if it's just me, but I don't think ex's should be super close to their ex's unless they have a child together or something like that. I have a friend who's boyfriend is getting all comfy with his ex. I don't think it's right. I would never let my ex lay on my lap and nuzzle my shirt while they tell me how bad they missed me. It's wrong, right?

Dear Friend....

Dear friend - I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am so sorry that I couldn't be there for you to stop you. I'm just thankful someone else was and I am forever grateful for that person. I'm not going to ask why you tried to take your own life because I get it. I get how you felt. Lonely. Upset. Forgotten. Worthless. Like you'll never amount to anything. Like the world would be better off without you. I understand, I really do, so I'm not mad at you for doing it. I'm just mad that you didn't feel like you could talk to me about it. I've told you before that you can talk to me about anything and I'll always listen without judging you. I would never judge you. I swear. I want you to know that, when you get out of the hospital, you can talk to me without being embarrassed or scared I'll leave because I wont. I want you to tell me everything. Every bad little detail of your life, every sad emotion you're feeling. I want to know. I want to compliment you and show you that you are such a beautiful person who deserves all the happiness a person can get. You deserve a life where death doesn't run through your mind every single day. I want you to be happy and love life, even if it's not easy. Then again, it wouldn't be life if it was just easy, now would it? But right now I only want to know that you're okay. Even if you're weak, laying in a hospital bed, I just want to know your heart is still beating, that you're still breathing. I love you friend, I really do. Please, let me help.

First Post From New Laptop.

I got a new laptop a week ago, I think. Thank God. I desperately needed one because my other one didn't work anymore for some reason, but it sucks because I have all my stories and songs on that computer and I have to somehow transfer them over to this computer without wifi. Oh, well. I still am thankful. Also, I made a new friend. He's nice and quite a bit like me actually. It's scary. I don't actually know him in real life but I met him online and I think they count as friends too so shut up if you don't. We constantly talk and surprisingly he hasn't gotten bored of me yet.

VFS

I emailed the film school I want to attend, but they haven't replied yet. They were supposed to reply after three days but it's been more like three weeks. So tonight, I emailed them again, hoping this time they'll reply. I really want to attend, it's been my dream since about the 7th grade to get into acting. I love it more than a lot of things. Also, I got my friend hook onto a new TV show. We try to watch it once a week, although this week we've watched it twice. I'm just glad I finally have someone to talk to about this show. Also, I worked the elections the other day. It was a long, boring 12 hours with a lot of checking IDs and crossing off people's names and peeing. Luckily, I had a smart partner and our supervisor said we were the best table. I didn't mind helping out and we get almost $300 for doing it.

My feelings..please, just ignore.

Some days, most lately, I feel like I've been getting everyone mad. I feel like they're fed up with me and are even starting to hate me. Especially my mum. I cause so much trouble for her and she is so frustrated with me and I just feel like she really hates me. Maybe because I'm not how she imagined I'd be or something like that. Either way, it makes me feel like crap. Anyways, today was half good, besides the feeling bad part. My friend and I went to a movie today (Iron Man 3) and it was amazing. We both enjoyed it and had a great time.

Donations.

I have always wanted to help out. Even if it's in a small way. So yesterday, I signed up to help raise money for Hope 2 Haiti. I have been trying to hard to get people to donate, but so far most people only help get the link around. I really need help, so I'm posting the link on here as well. http://www.crowdrise.com/hopetohaiti2013/fundraiser/samanthabrooks If you could donate, even a dollar, it helps. I just feel like it's time to give back to others for once. At least do something for someone else. If you can't donate, then please send te link to all your friends and everyone you know. Thank you all.

Dinner & Drunk Driving

Today my mum and I went out to dinner. It was quite a surprise, actually, because she doesn't usually just ask if I want to go out to dinner randomly. But it was nice, nonetheless. And what surprised me most was when she asked if I wanted to go to a specific restaurant that I like more then she does. And since we never go there, it was even more wonderful. I even took some home for my sister. Then, we went to my aunts house and waited there for a bit until my uncle showed up. I stayed there, reading, which was nice to do. And while he was driving us home he started telling us stories about how he's a great drunk driver. Then he started talking about Pickle Pete. Now, I don't know why we called him that but we did so just go with it, alright. well, we talked about how Pickle Pete was a very horrible drunk driver and he told me stories about what happened to him while he was driving drunk. I have to say, they were pretty funny. I should mention, pickle Pete is dead now. Not from drunk driving, if that's what you're thinking. Then after that they talked about how my dad was a horrible drunk driver as well, and he wrecked two of my uncles cars. Honestly, it was all just fun. Spending time with the family. I always love that.

Housing

Do you want to know what I find beyond stupid? that people tear down houses, normal size housing, to build these massive houses in it's place. i think it's the most ridiculous thing ever. I mean, alright, sometimes big houses make it look better, make the neighbourhood look richer, but what happens when people can't afford these big ass houses? Are they going to tear down every small house and replace it with super expensive houses, because my family can't afford something that big and I'm sure most people who live in the city can't either. Why not just fix up the old house or build a decent size house that a family can afford and live in happily?

Weight.

I was cleaning my aunts house today with my sister and her boyfriend. They were cleaning the bathroom when I came in there and my sister told me to weight myself. I don't like weighting myself because I don't like knowing how much I actually weight. But I did and it was a stupid mistake because I gained 20 pounds since last summer. It's kind of bumming me out and now I'm going to work really hard to lose it. And maybe more. BUt it's hard for me to lose weight because....well, I don't know. Even if I exercise and eat right it still doesn't go away.

Voting.

Today, my mum, sister and I all went down today to sign up to help out with the voting next month... I think it's next month. It seems a bit fun and it's nice to help out. I've also almost finished catching up with my show. I feel so proud that I was able to catch up with everyone else even though I've started it about 4 months ago. Proud of me? Maybe. I don't know if anyone else does this, but when I'm alone I like t think to myself..I like to make up a new world where I'm happy. Where everything goes great and nothing is ever wrong. Or if it is wrong it gets fixed to be something beautiful. It's like a new life. A second life. I dream, even. I don't think I'm the only one but I've never told anyone before.

Best friends

I don't think I've ever felt more blessed than I did today for my friends. We watched a movie today, a sad one, and it got us thinking about our school days. About how we're glad we didn't have cliques. We were glad that our bully problem wasn't so bad. Then we shared memories together. Camp in grade 7. Canoeing. Archery. How a popular girl was our friend. Just proper funny moments. Then we started talking about people we never liked it school. Friend: I think she was only mean because she was so short. It was surprisingly fun. But then we got into how my friend felt so bad because she was bullied. I mentioned my depression. I told them how I felt bad when no one believed me. I felt even worse when they made fun of the fact that 'I thought I had depression'. They did give me helpful things. Then we talked some more. Then I told them something I've only told one other person. I told them that I used to cut myself. They listened to everything and said they were so incredibly proud of me for stopping and told me I was strong. It made me feel good. But I wanted to cry. Yes, I'm emotional. But it brought back memories and feelings I had when I was doing that and it made me feel bad again. Anyways, I was just thankful that they didn't judge me and I am so happy that I could have friends like that around me and will support me and lead me on the right path. So, even though you'll never see this, my friends, you are two of the most important people in my entire life and I never want to lose you both. Thank you and I love you.

The Bus

I was gonna post this yesterday but I was super tired. So I'm gonna write about it now. The bus. I don't mind taking the bus, sometimes there is a good looking guy there. Sometimes you see a friend on it. But sometimes I get really frustrated. It's just some people are rude. They sit on the isle seat so no one can sit beside them. I find that is the rudest thing. I get if you have bags and use the other seat to put your bags on but if not then sit by the window and let others sit beside you. Be nice. Also, when you stop in the middle of the isle and slightly move a bit so people can barely pass you, that is rude. Anyways, yesterday that all happened. But there was one good thing that happened. This punk looking girl with her head half shaved asked an old man if he wanted her seat. I thought it was a great example for everyone and a great ay to throw away stereotypes. Besides the bus thing, I had a good time. I took my mum out to dinner and a movie for her birthday (which is on the fourth) and she enjoyed it. Plus it wasn't too expensive for me which is a bonus, right? Haha.

Annoyance and ear bleeding....Weird Combo.

My sister is starting to piss me off more and more. First, she hasn't been home for 6 days! She's been spending it all with her boyfriend. Usually, I don't mind but that's when it's one or two days. Not 6. And now I find out that she's lying to her best friend. Best friend (BF): I asked her to hang out today and she said she was going home. That was at like 12. Me: She's not home.... BF:I'm not surprised. Do you even know how wrong that it? Chicks before dicks, girl! She also said yesterday that she would be home tomorrow after my aunts house but she never came home. We also have to go to our grandmas tomorrow for Easter and they only way she'll go is if her boyfriend can come. Which is pathetic because it's family. She's been doing this a lot lately, spending more time with her boyfriend. Me:You have to come home today, okay? Sis:I'll see what boyfriend wants to do today. Seriously? You don't need to fucking see what he wants to do today, we haven't seen you in 6 days, just come home by yourself! Also, I woke up this morning and my ear was bleeding. Don't worry, it wasn't the inside of my ear. It was the part where I have my tragus pierced. I changed it the other day for the first time.

Happy Birthday me!

Well, it was my birthday today...or yesterday seeing as it's 12:24AM. It was a good day overall. I got a new tragus piercing jewellery, which I can't get the original one out so I was going to maybe go tomorrow to get it out professionally, I got a new DVD...Diary of a Wimpy Kid...yes, those are brilliant movies. (Hello, Devon Bostick) And well, that's it. But my mum and I went looking around the mall today so that was fun. She even bought me a cake! Then, a few days ago, my cousin came over with my aunt and they got me a cool tote bag with a TARDIS on it (You know, from Doctor Who) that had 2 buttons on them. I loved it! Anyways, I enjoyed it.

Stupid Facebook.

I tried logging onto my facebook but they locked my account. Now, I don't usually mind but they said there was no verification methods so I can't really attempt to log back in. It really sucks. Facebook really needs to start improving because people are starting to complain. Like for instance. I think it's ridiculous that you can only have one account. Some people need two in case they want to give an internet friend one and they don't really want their personal one out there yet. Or maybe they want one work one and one personal one. It's stupid. Also, they need to stop blocking out people randomly. And one last thing, fake accounts like to add people and report them. I think that's bullshit. Facebook is so complicated sometimes and they really need to get it fixed because people are starting to hate it.

I hate mornings.

Like the title says, I hate mornings. It's always too early and not as nice as the afternoon. It's also slow and everyone seems grumpy. I went to Tim Hortons with my sister and everyone we passed looked like they wanted to hurt us if we said 'good morning'.

Tattoos & Piercings & Jobs....?

You wanna know what really bugs me? When jobs push you away just because you have a few visible tattoos or some facial piercings. It's so pathetic. Just because someone wanted to get a tattoo or piercing doesn't mean they're not as qualified as someone who doesn't have anything. Hell, they could even be better but you wouldn't know because you'd rather judge someone by the way they look. Haven't you ever heard the saying 'never judge a book by it's cover?' It's never happened to me, mostly because my tattoo is by my bicep area and my only facial piercing (does it really count?) is my tongue. And you can't really see that when I talk unless I stick my tongue at you. But I've heard of places doing this. My sister also told me a story about her guy friend had to cut his hair because his work thought it was 'too long.' I'm sorry but I would've said fuck you.

Sigh

Well, I haven't gotten a call back today so I guess they don't want to hire me. A little disappointing because i thought I did okay, but oh well. There are lots of other places I can apply. Just gotta try a little better with my interviews, right? Anyway, today was alright. I live in a really big hill and down the hill, about two blocks away, is a Tim Hortons. I went there today to grab some tea (hot chocolate for me). It rained not too long ago so there were these really big puddles on the ground. So big that when cars drive in it it splashes all the way over to the other side of the side walk. It was crazy. I had to stop and wait until no cars were there to walk past.Most of the time no one would stop, hell even slowing down would be good. So I got stuck waiting there for a while holding burning hot drinks. Thanks people in cars.

Interview

So, I had my interview today. I was so worried for nothing. It literally lasted for 5 minutes. I was so prepared and everything. But most of the time when I come prepared my brain usually flops and I can't come up with the right answer. It's hell. Anyways, I hope it went well. Not sure, but she said she would call me tomorrow if i got it. And if she doesn't call than I didn't get it.

The bus.

You know what really bugs me? When you see someone sitting on the bus and they're sitting on the isle seats with no one sitting beside them. It's like they don't want anyone to sit with them so they sit on the isle seat looking like a fucking dick. Just stop. Stop. No one likes you and you look like a fucking idiot when you have to move over to let people sit beside you, you ass.

Jobs.

I've got a job interview on the 14th. I'm a mix of excited and nervous. I've never actually had a real job before, only babysitting. And being interviewed is like torture to me. I just hate talking about myself and I can never seem to come up with good enough answers. Well, I can but they never come out. It's like my mouth doesn't even care what comes out of it. It's embarrassing sometimes. I guess I just have to calm down and such. I know I'll do fine once I get there (hopefully).

Oh dear...

My sister and her boyfriend are having relationship problems. I feel slightly bad for them and wish they'd just work it out. He's over right now doing who knows what. But I will admit, they are moving fast. She told me they've already talked about babies and marriage and they've only been together for 2 months. Maybe 3. I am kind of jealous, not by how fast their moving. But how much they love each other. Will I ever find that?

Normal or what?

Do you ever have those days where you want to just sit there and stare at the wall. Days where you don't want to do anything, not even think. Days where even music can't help. Lately I've been feeling like that. I've been feeling very alone and sad and unimportant. I've felt like this before, but worse. One summer, I think July, I got bad. I didn't eat. I didn't want to leave my room or go see people. I just wanted to stay alone. I felt like the worst person in the world. The most horrible, disgusting, fattest, unattractive, most hated person ever. I felt like the world would be better without me. I thought about that a lot actually. How everyone would be happier if I wasn't around because I always seem to mess everything up and make people made at me. I still do. I even still think about life without me. I've told myself over and over again that I could never actually do it. I could never actually kill myself. I did self harm. I cut my arms. I then decided I needed to hide it so I started carving words into my thighs. Fat. Stupid. Worthless. That lasted about 8 months maybe. I did stop. I threw it away and haven't done it since. I have thought about it, though. But I guess thinking about doing it is better than actually doing it, right? Actually, just ten minutes I scratched myself so hard my arms hurt. I gotta stop that, I know, but it felt right for some (strange) reason. It's not gonna go on forever, don't worry. But I still feel like that. I feel empty and I feel like no one understands. Well, unless someone else has been through the same thing. My mum told me that I could talk to her but I know I can't. I tried once. I told her I thought I was depressed. She didn't believe me. So I dropped it. But than a week later my sister told me that my mum told my dad and sister and they all sat there laughing at me. It made me feel even more like crap so I never talk to them. Maybe my mum believes me now. She does talk to me about it and she seems serious, but who knows. What I do know is that I want to get better. I want it to go away.

Music.

I don't understand why people get so upset over certain types of music. I mean, of course there is going to be music out there you don't like so why not just ignore it instead of having to bash on it, ruining it for the people who do enjoy it? Everyone has different tastes in music and everyone should get to enjoy it. No matter who you listen to. My music taste is all over the place, to be honest. From Marianas Trench to Justin Bieber to Taylor Swift to AC/DC to Scouting For Girls. All of it is different and I enjoy it. But I know some others out there won't and I'm perfectly okay with that. It just kind of gets me mad when I'm online, listening to a song, and I scroll down the comments and I see people arguing because someone said this singer has no talent. And then of course, people have to defend the artist, which I have no problem over. I guess everyone is allowed to express their own opinions but they really need to think of others as well.

Seriously...?

So I was online today and my best friends ex boyfriend messaged me. "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go hang out and get something to eat. I'd like it to be a date but if you don't want it to be it doesn't have to be." That's what he sad to me! Does he not remember that he broke up with my friend a little over a month ago? Does he not realize that girls don't do that kind of thing? At least the girls I know don't do it. Chicks over dicks, dude. Remember that. His last message to me: "Disappointing. Hope you're happy living with 30 cats."

Names?

Well, this is a strange topic, isn't it? Names. Well, I hate my name. I hate it a lot. It's just too...common. A lot of people have it. It's nothing special or creative. Lately I've been liking unique names. Ones that people rarely have. I've made a list. 1. Billie 2. Brie. 3. Amelia 4. Channing 5. Scarlett 6. Erica 7. Morlie 8. Rose. Now, if I was ever to change my name, my parents said they wouldn't call me by my new name. UPDATE: I just found out that to change my name would cost me $137.00!

Religion & Gays

I know this is a touchy subject for some and if you're easily offended about this cover your eyes or leave cause I'm talking about it. I was on Instagram yesterday and someone posted a picture about something religious and a lot of people were debating about it. Most of it was people saying stuff about gays. Now, i have no problem with gay people. They're people. As long as the person is nice to me I will be nice to them. That's how it goes and that's always how it'll be. But a lot of these people were commenting saying how God hates homosexuals. I believe in God, I do, but I'm not crazy religious. I don't follow the bible, I don't go to church and I sin, just like every other person. But what really bugged me was people commenting saying that they don't hate homosexuals but they don't agree with them. To me that is the exact same thing. Not agreeing with them is pretty much not liking them. Another thing that bugged me was people saying that it's the person's choice to be gay. No, it's not. It's no one choice to be gay. It's how they are, it's how they feel. Let me ask you this. Say you're a girl and you're crushing on a boy really hard but you know he isn't interested. Are those feelings for him going to go away? No. Can you make those feelings go away? No. Is you're heart still going to beat faster when you see him? Yes. It's your feelings. It's what's inside. No one chooses to be gay. Than, the people say that if you pray to God that he will help you stop being gay. I don't believe that is true. Not one fucking bit. No one can stop you from being gay. No one can help you stop having those feelings. I just hate that people are arguing over stuff like this. Let people say their own opinions. Don't judge them. If someone says they don't believe in God, don't try to change their minds. Let people share their opinion without being judged.

Sex & Babies

I've seen at least 20 or more people on Facebook who've announced they're having babies in the past year (2012). I'm not saying it's a bad thing, lots of people have babies, but most of these people are my age or younger. I'm 20. Now, my mom had me at 20, and I don't think 20 is too young to have a baby but when you're 15 and pregnant than I think that's not good. Does anyone else remember the days where people waited to have sex, where people had babies after they were 25? Yeah, me neither. I don't like to judge people, I try not to, but it's so hard when I check Facebook every day and see pictures of these young girls with big bellies. It's sad. Very few people do still decide that they want to wait until marriage to have sex and I'm behind them on that. I'm planning on waiting until marriage, if not than waiting for someone I really love. I'm not going to throw it away just to get it over with. I get one chance to lose my virginity and that's it. I'm going to make it special. Besides, I believe that we learn from our parents. So if these kids know that their parents had sex at a young age they might think it's okay and they might do it. Which could lead to having a baby at a young age. Especially when the person is 12. 12, I think and I'm sure a lot of you would agree, is way to young to be having sex. It's like you're trying to grow up too fast. I don't want to criticize or offend anyone but this is just my opinion. If anyone out there does have sex at a young age, don't get upset about this. It's just what I think. Just one person. One ordinary girl.

One of the most important things I'll ever talk about.

Bullying. To me, bullying is one of the most serious things out there. Not physical bullying (Although, yes, that one is serious as well) but bullies using their words. I've heard so many stories where people, usually teenagers but not always, kill themselves because they are getting picked on. Because some person said one bad thing and another over heard. Because some person called them a bad name. Words. They're a powerful weapon everyone has but not everyone knows how to use properly. I was watching a talk show today and they talked about a girl who got things said about her. A girl who got called a slut because someone made a rumor that she slept with 6 guys. A girl who ended her life by jumping in front of a train while her friend stood and watched. Something else that really spoke out to me was that the people who were bullying her ending up crying for her as soon as she was gone. That sickens me. It's disgusting and makes you a horrible person. Why not be nice to this person when they're alive? When they can actually appreciate it? when they can actually hear it, feel it, even? What the world does, they pick fights, they become nasty towards others until others have had enough and do something tragic, then they try and make it okay by feeling sorry for them. By saying how beautiful they were when really, they could care less. They just want the guilt to go away. The guilt that it was their fault for pushing an innocent person over the edge. I just want to make it clear that suicide is not a cowards way out, and I hope everyone understands that. Really, it's just a way of saying that you've tried. You've tried so hard to ignore everything people say, to ignore those bad thoughts in your head telling you how you're not good enough, to ignore the physical and emotional pain people bring on you. Suicide is never the answer, in my opinion, because it's always horrible to hear that someone, anyone, killed themselves when maybe they had so much going for them but they didn't know yet. I like to believe that everyone can get better. It may take some time and it may hurt a lot but it can happen. Do you wanna know how I know it can happen. Because I'm living proof. A few months ago, maybe 3 or 4 (wow, it's been that long?), I was in a dark place. I didn't want to be around people cause all they did was bring me down. They hurt me in some way and made myself feel even worse about myself. I'm not a very confident person to start with so eventually my self esteem was down to 0. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I found joy in pain. I started cutting. Wrists and thighs. Sometimes I'd even hit myself hard enough, hoping I'd give myself a bruise. Luckily, I don't bruise easily. Then, as life got worse for me, I thought more and more about death. I'd look out onto traffic and think about walking in front of a truck, or I'd hoped I would cut too deep and end up killing myself that way. It was everyday these thoughts were happening. Now, I haven't told anyone else these. But I promised to be open and here it is. One day I woke up and everything felt fine. I felt a little better about life, about myself. I even felt happy during parts of the day. Than the next day came and I felt the exact same as the previous day, if not a little better. And everyday I'd start feeling my old, happier self return. But in between I'd have those moments, where I'd go back to the darkness. But it's only last an hour or so. Even today I still sometimes crawl into bed, put on sad music and cry about nothing. But I learned that that's alright. Everyone has days where they break down crying, and depression doesn't go away over night. Especially when you're not using any medication. I'm just learning to live my life, to be happy with what I have and to have fun. I'm trying not to let anyone bring me down. But like I said before, suicide is not a cowards way out, lots of people do it, and many more are going to continue to do it. But let me tell you this. I will stay up all night, as long as it takes, to talk someone out of killing themselves.

When you treat me like....

When you treat me like a little baby that's when I stop talking to you and turn coldly towards you. I don't mean to do it, I know I should just tell them how it makes me feel, but it actually hurts so much I don't even want to talk to you. My friend.. or should I say 'friend', he likes to call me a 'wittle baby' just cause I suggest he take a nap because he complains he's just so tired. "Only wittle babies take naps" he tells me and that gets me bad. No, 'wittle babies' aren't the only ones who take naps. Sometimes people need to or they get too exhausted. It's just the way he treats me, like I'm a child, like I'm so immature that he has to 'simplify' things for me. That I'm stupid even. Well, no. I'm not. And until you start treating me better I don't consider you a friend anymore.

Just Wondering...

Do you ever look at the people walking down the street, or driving in their cars and wonder where they're going? For the past few months I have. I don't know if it's weird to think like that and if I'm the only one but it fascinates me very much. I get that most people are probably coming back from work or school but you don't really know that cause you don't know them. Maybe they've just come back from a friends house, a friend they've secretly had a crush on for a while. Or maybe they just came back from the hospital cause a sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Nobody knows. Sometimes I sit there, in the car, and look at people while the light is red, and wonder where they have been and where they are going. They could be running away and I would never know. I guess I like to dream about their lives. Hoping, wishing that everything is okay for them.

A New Beginning.

Alright, this is how it's going to go. I'm going to write, and if you'd like to, you will read it. I'm nothing special, just an ordinary (well somewhat ordinary) girl. But I'll take you deep inside my world. But before we do, I have to tell you that I'm scared. I'm scared because I am willing to share everything. I've never done that before, share everything. At least not like this. It's new to me, so bare with me and I'll do the same. Hopefully this will help me grow, maybe even help me understand who I am, because right now, I have no idea. So be patient. I'll try my best to open up, to be honest with you, and me, and let you know what's going on inside my mind. It might be a thought, something I'm incredibly passionate about, a poem, an opinion I have or a small blab about my day. I can't promise you it will be interesting or inspiring or even nice, but I can promise you it will be real. Now, I might not do this everyday. I apologize (or maybe not, seeing as you probably don't care or think I am horrible and wish I'd never write) but I will make sure I update as much as I possibly can. Now this part, this is just an introduction, just so you all can really get to know me, and know what's going to happen. My name for this blog is Amelia. I am 20 years old, almost 21 in March. I was born and raised in Canada but I have dreams, which I might share with you later, if I actually remember to. As far as family goes, it's pretty typical. Mum, dad, younger sister and two dogs. Well, there is the bunny, but that's my sister's and I don't really like her (The Bunny, to be honest.) Mum and dad aren't married, and I don't think they ever want to be. Don't worry, they still love each other lots, but they don't need to be married to prove it. besides, I think it'd be strange seeing them getting married. Mum in a white dress, she never wears dresses, and dad in a tux, I've never seen him wear one before. They just aren't the married type. And I'm perfectly okay with that. In fact, I prefer it. Makes it different than all the other parents out there. Well, seeing as it's late I think that's quite enough for now, right? Maybe I'll write again tomorrow. Maybe not. I don't know, yet. But I will be back, and I hope you will be as well.