Normal or what?

Do you ever have those days where you want to just sit there and stare at the wall. Days where you don't want to do anything, not even think. Days where even music can't help. Lately I've been feeling like that. I've been feeling very alone and sad and unimportant. I've felt like this before, but worse. One summer, I think July, I got bad. I didn't eat. I didn't want to leave my room or go see people. I just wanted to stay alone. I felt like the worst person in the world. The most horrible, disgusting, fattest, unattractive, most hated person ever. I felt like the world would be better without me. I thought about that a lot actually. How everyone would be happier if I wasn't around because I always seem to mess everything up and make people made at me. I still do. I even still think about life without me. I've told myself over and over again that I could never actually do it. I could never actually kill myself. I did self harm. I cut my arms. I then decided I needed to hide it so I started carving words into my thighs. Fat. Stupid. Worthless. That lasted about 8 months maybe. I did stop. I threw it away and haven't done it since. I have thought about it, though. But I guess thinking about doing it is better than actually doing it, right? Actually, just ten minutes I scratched myself so hard my arms hurt. I gotta stop that, I know, but it felt right for some (strange) reason. It's not gonna go on forever, don't worry. But I still feel like that. I feel empty and I feel like no one understands. Well, unless someone else has been through the same thing. My mum told me that I could talk to her but I know I can't. I tried once. I told her I thought I was depressed. She didn't believe me. So I dropped it. But than a week later my sister told me that my mum told my dad and sister and they all sat there laughing at me. It made me feel even more like crap so I never talk to them. Maybe my mum believes me now. She does talk to me about it and she seems serious, but who knows. What I do know is that I want to get better. I want it to go away.

Music.

I don't understand why people get so upset over certain types of music. I mean, of course there is going to be music out there you don't like so why not just ignore it instead of having to bash on it, ruining it for the people who do enjoy it? Everyone has different tastes in music and everyone should get to enjoy it. No matter who you listen to. My music taste is all over the place, to be honest. From Marianas Trench to Justin Bieber to Taylor Swift to AC/DC to Scouting For Girls. All of it is different and I enjoy it. But I know some others out there won't and I'm perfectly okay with that. It just kind of gets me mad when I'm online, listening to a song, and I scroll down the comments and I see people arguing because someone said this singer has no talent. And then of course, people have to defend the artist, which I have no problem over. I guess everyone is allowed to express their own opinions but they really need to think of others as well.

Seriously...?

So I was online today and my best friends ex boyfriend messaged me. "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go hang out and get something to eat. I'd like it to be a date but if you don't want it to be it doesn't have to be." That's what he sad to me! Does he not remember that he broke up with my friend a little over a month ago? Does he not realize that girls don't do that kind of thing? At least the girls I know don't do it. Chicks over dicks, dude. Remember that. His last message to me: "Disappointing. Hope you're happy living with 30 cats."

Names?

Well, this is a strange topic, isn't it? Names. Well, I hate my name. I hate it a lot. It's just too...common. A lot of people have it. It's nothing special or creative. Lately I've been liking unique names. Ones that people rarely have. I've made a list. 1. Billie 2. Brie. 3. Amelia 4. Channing 5. Scarlett 6. Erica 7. Morlie 8. Rose. Now, if I was ever to change my name, my parents said they wouldn't call me by my new name. UPDATE: I just found out that to change my name would cost me $137.00!

Religion & Gays

I know this is a touchy subject for some and if you're easily offended about this cover your eyes or leave cause I'm talking about it. I was on Instagram yesterday and someone posted a picture about something religious and a lot of people were debating about it. Most of it was people saying stuff about gays. Now, i have no problem with gay people. They're people. As long as the person is nice to me I will be nice to them. That's how it goes and that's always how it'll be. But a lot of these people were commenting saying how God hates homosexuals. I believe in God, I do, but I'm not crazy religious. I don't follow the bible, I don't go to church and I sin, just like every other person. But what really bugged me was people commenting saying that they don't hate homosexuals but they don't agree with them. To me that is the exact same thing. Not agreeing with them is pretty much not liking them. Another thing that bugged me was people saying that it's the person's choice to be gay. No, it's not. It's no one choice to be gay. It's how they are, it's how they feel. Let me ask you this. Say you're a girl and you're crushing on a boy really hard but you know he isn't interested. Are those feelings for him going to go away? No. Can you make those feelings go away? No. Is you're heart still going to beat faster when you see him? Yes. It's your feelings. It's what's inside. No one chooses to be gay. Than, the people say that if you pray to God that he will help you stop being gay. I don't believe that is true. Not one fucking bit. No one can stop you from being gay. No one can help you stop having those feelings. I just hate that people are arguing over stuff like this. Let people say their own opinions. Don't judge them. If someone says they don't believe in God, don't try to change their minds. Let people share their opinion without being judged.

Sex & Babies

I've seen at least 20 or more people on Facebook who've announced they're having babies in the past year (2012). I'm not saying it's a bad thing, lots of people have babies, but most of these people are my age or younger. I'm 20. Now, my mom had me at 20, and I don't think 20 is too young to have a baby but when you're 15 and pregnant than I think that's not good. Does anyone else remember the days where people waited to have sex, where people had babies after they were 25? Yeah, me neither. I don't like to judge people, I try not to, but it's so hard when I check Facebook every day and see pictures of these young girls with big bellies. It's sad. Very few people do still decide that they want to wait until marriage to have sex and I'm behind them on that. I'm planning on waiting until marriage, if not than waiting for someone I really love. I'm not going to throw it away just to get it over with. I get one chance to lose my virginity and that's it. I'm going to make it special. Besides, I believe that we learn from our parents. So if these kids know that their parents had sex at a young age they might think it's okay and they might do it. Which could lead to having a baby at a young age. Especially when the person is 12. 12, I think and I'm sure a lot of you would agree, is way to young to be having sex. It's like you're trying to grow up too fast. I don't want to criticize or offend anyone but this is just my opinion. If anyone out there does have sex at a young age, don't get upset about this. It's just what I think. Just one person. One ordinary girl.